hello Chicagons,
just in case you’ve been hiding under a rock all day i’ll let you in on some breaking fucking news: it’s going to snow this week. it’s going to snow a lot. we’re talking multiple inches of snow accumulating an hour, a high temperature estimate of 10 degrees Fahrenheit and lake fueled wind chill levels that would make Mayor Daley’s long dead and frozen heart shiver. we’re in official urban blizzard mode here people.
so yah, the bad news is that it’s going to be very cold. hot cocoa prices will skyrocket, bar crawls will “go Donner party” and public nakedness will be made entirely impractical. nay, suicidal. the good news is that we’re Midwesterners AND we’ve been choking down Hot Doug’s all year in preparation. we’re practical, frugal and get a massive boner off of being well prepared for these kind of things. additionally, all that delicious encased meat has prolly left most of us with a little warming cushion around our bellies.
accordingly, i make the following plea to all Chicagoans:
please find a blizzard buddy immediately.*
if you’re in a relationship (loving or otherwise), you’re in luck. this person is your best bet to make it through three days of frozen apartment pipes, floorboards crafted of dry ice and the general malaise of frozen winter shit. maybe things aren’t great between you two right, maybe they are. it doesn’t matter. this is not a drill. fucking man up and be madly in love for a while. it’s my experience that monogamy burns hottest while eating warmed up leftovers and watching hulu from bed. you lucky devils. enjoy yourself.
the rest of us have a little work to do unless we want to spend our night cuddling with a space heater. finding a proper blizzard buddy can be rewarding if you’re smart about it, so i encourage you to be proactive.
an ideal buddy will:
- be blindingly beautiful; possessing the animal magnetism and sexual charisma of a Brazilian cheetah in sexy underpants. alternatively, you could find someone that is, you know, just like … around and warm.
- have already stocked up on a wide variety of alcohol (whiskey warmsssss), cigarettes and other illicit inebriants.
- be able to imitate a concerned parent muffled calls to your work explaining your illness related absence.
- possess an exceptional taste in winter accommodating music. bonus points if they avoid Sigur Ros.
- have a clairvoyant knowledge of your desire for coffee, additional blankets and oral sex.
- generate enough BTUs to make your bedroom bunker a veritable sauna.
- have the stamina for multiple rounds of NOVA documentaries, ruminative gazes out the window and sex hot enough to steam the veggies in your freezer.
if you follow these guidelines then you and your blizzard buddy will get through this whole ordeal without serious issue, excepting the possibility of a few playful bruises and scratches.
warm regards,
ataxiwardance
(photo is some blizzard buddies from Chicago’s great blizzard of ‘67)
*run. do not walk. no procrastination. also, your cat / dog / landlord does not count.
My blizzard buddy is not leaving his 70 degree southern California weather, so my lap top is going to have to suffice.
CAN I HAVE A WISCONSIN BLIZZARD BUDDY
WE’RE GETTING THE SAME STORM
PLEASE
